|
|
paraprosdokian
Ø I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that
way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Ø Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level
and beat ... | 0 |
7 |
0 |
0.00 |
9/7/2010 3:05 am |
|
|
One more time
A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station,
when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon
with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose
tightly coiled in the ... | 3 |
56 |
7 |
4.82 |
9/6/2010 5:13 am |
|
|
IRISH GIRL
IRISH GIRL
The Irish girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless
me, Father, for I have sinned."
"What is it, child?"
The girl said, "Father, I have committed the sin ... | 0 |
51 |
2 |
3.12 |
9/5/2010 4:03 am |
|
|
JONAH'S FATE
A little girl spoke to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale
to swallow a human because even though it is a very large
mammal, its throat is ... | 0 |
38 |
3 |
3.43 |
9/5/2010 3:58 am |
|
|
MISSIONARY SOUP
Two missionaries in Africa get apprehended by a tribe of
very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water.
They build a huge fire under it, and leave them there. A few
minutes later, one ... | 0 |
34 |
0 |
0.00 |
9/5/2010 3:56 am |
|
|
Couple short ones
BAR... DUCKMAN
A man walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender
says, "May I help you, sir?"
The duck says, "Yeah. Help me get this human out of
my ass."
... | 0 |
25 |
1 |
1.10 |
9/5/2010 3:54 am |
|
|
TWO TROUBLE MAKERS - one more time
A couple had two little mischievous boys, ages 8 and 10.
They were always getting into trouble, and their parents
knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their
sons would get the blame. ... | 0 |
31 |
2 |
2.42 |
9/5/2010 3:52 am |
|
|
CONTRACT WITH THE DEVIL
An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when
the Devil appeared before him.
The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition for
you. You can win every case you try, for the ... | 0 |
34 |
1 |
2.40 |
9/5/2010 3:50 am |
|
|
HOLEY ICE CUBES
HOLEY ICE CUBES
Paddy O'Shea got friendly with some of the local Boston
Irish and they took him to an upscale "Irish"
pub.
"Amazin', just amazin', that's what
America is, " he said, ... | 0 |
26 |
1 |
2.40 |
9/5/2010 3:46 am |
|
|
RESEARCH BUSH
RESEARCH BUSH
A researcher called G. W. Bush house in Austin.
G. W was sleeping in late and was awaken by the call.
He was half-asleep when he answered the phone.
... | 0 |
21 |
1 |
0.00 |
9/5/2010 3:45 am |
|
|
COURT TRANSCRIPTS - One more time
KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts,
and are things people actually said in court, word for word,
taken down and now published by ... | 0 |
54 |
3 |
3.92 |
9/4/2010 7:55 am |
|
|
bar none
> The best lawyer story of all time . . . bar none. > > The United Way realized that it had never received
a donation from the > city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way
volunteer paid ... | 0 |
41 |
3 |
2.94 |
9/4/2010 7:52 am |
|
|
What have we learned in 2,064 years?
"The budget should be balanced, the Treasury should
be refilled, public debt should be reduced, the arrogance of officialdom should
be tempered and controlled, and the assistance to foreign lands ... | 1 |
8 |
0 |
0.00 |
9/2/2010 2:06 am |
|
|
Italian Virginity Test Kit
Mario is planning to marry and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be
is still a virgin.
His doctor says, "Mario, all the Italian men I know use three things
for what we ... | 0 |
73 |
6 |
4.79 |
9/1/2010 3:12 am |
|
|
Robin Hood in the making
Around age 10 my dad got me one of those little badass compound
bow beginner kits.
Of course, the first month I went around our land sticking
arrows in anything that could get stuck by an ... | 1 |
76 |
6 |
5.36 |
9/1/2010 2:10 am |
|
|
Ground Zero
If it is true that the idea of a mosque near Ground Zero is
to promote tolerance:
It has been suggested that a gay nightclub be open next door
to the mosque.
Two names proposed for ... | 0 |
50 |
10 |
5.97 |
9/1/2010 2:04 am |
|
|
Blackberry
When I bought my Blackberry I thought about the 30-year
business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone
that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates
with Facebook and ... | 0 |
40 |
2 |
2.42 |
9/1/2010 2:02 am |
|
|
Touching Golf Story
Greg stood over his tee shot on the 450 yard 18th hole for
what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked
down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing..
Finally his ... | 0 |
52 |
8 |
3.25 |
8/30/2010 5:38 pm |
|
|
Dear Mom,
Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you
saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one
of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily,
none of us got ... | 1 |
69 |
9 |
4.49 |
8/29/2010 4:30 am |
|
|
GREAT JOB
A guy came home to his wife and said to her:
"Guess what? I've found a great job. A 10 AM start,
2 PM finish, no overtime, no weekends and it pays $600 a week!"
"That's great, " his ... | 1 |
75 |
6 |
1.94 |
8/28/2010 5:41 am |
|
|
AL GORE - EXPLAINED
On July 8, 1947, witnesses claim a spaceship with five aliens
aboard crashed on a sheep-and-cattle ranch outside Roswell,
an incident they say has been covered up by the military.
March 31, ... | 2 |
53 |
1 |
2.40 |
8/28/2010 5:40 am |
|
|
BLONDE WITH 2 HORSES
A blonde had two horses, but she couldn't tell them
apart. So she asked her neighbor for advice. He suggested
that she cut the tail off one of the horses.
This worked until the other horse ... | 0 |
67 |
2 |
3.12 |
8/28/2010 5:39 am |
|
|
MEXICAN HURRICANE............
A CATEGORY 5 HURRICANE hits Mexico
Two million Mexicans die and over a million are injured.
The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't
know where to start and is ... | 1 |
53 |
9 |
4.71 |
8/28/2010 5:28 am |
|
|
written by kids
1. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like,
if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports,
and she should keep the chips ... | 0 |
34 |
1 |
3.70 |
8/28/2010 5:07 am |
|
|
How Old
1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under
the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd
done many times before. After she applied her lipstick
and started to leave, the ... | 1 |
101 |
2 |
3.81 |
8/25/2010 5:12 pm |
|
|
LAWYER'S PERSONAL INJURY
A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next
fairway. Walking toward his ball, he saw a man lying on the
ground, groaning with pain.
"I'm an attorney, " the wincing man said, ... | 0 |
57 |
2 |
3.81 |
8/25/2010 3:06 am |
|
|
DEAR AGONY AUNT
Dear Editor,
I have two brothers, one works at Microsoft, the other was
sentenced to death in the gas chamber.
My mother died of insanity when I was three years old, my
two sisters ... | 0 |
64 |
3 |
3.92 |
8/25/2010 3:04 am |
|
|
sex with a Chinese prostitute in Hong Kong
On having business trip to the Orient, Joe decided to spend
his last night having wild sex with a Chinese prostitute
in Hong Kong.
Upon returning home three weeks later, he noticed a very ... | 0 |
71 |
2 |
4.50 |
8/25/2010 3:02 am |
|
|
I WISH
Two guys were walking along a road when one points out a dog
who is licking his private parts.
One guy says, "Oh man, I wish I could do that!".
Then the other guy says, "Well, I ... | 0 |
54 |
0 |
0.00 |
8/22/2010 4:35 pm |
|
|
The answer is in the sea
A slightly retarded farmer has a farm up the coast of California.
Unfortunately, there are no women around. He gets rather
desperate, and decides to try out an old mule. He puts a stepladder
behind ... | 0 |
66 |
4 |
2.86 |
8/22/2010 5:45 am |
|
|
On an airplane again
A Priest and a Rabbi were sitting next to each other on an
airplane.
After a while, the Priest turned to the Rabbi and asked,
"Is it still a
requirement of your ... | 3 |
71 |
5 |
3.47 |
8/20/2010 3:11 pm |
|
|
'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
Colonoscopy Journal:
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to
make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram
of the ... | 0 |
49 |
1 |
3.70 |
8/20/2010 3:08 pm |
|
|
Error Free
By following the instructions below, you should have error-free,
long-lasting floppy disks. Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak
out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics ... | 0 |
28 |
1 |
0.00 |
8/20/2010 2:57 am |
|
|
Genie JOKE
Three guys, one Irish, one English, and one Scottish, are
out walking along the beach together one day. They come
across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will
give you each one wish, that's ... | 0 |
48 |
0 |
0.00 |
8/20/2010 2:55 am |
|
|
How many is that
A redhead tells her blond sister, "I slept with a Brazilian."
The sister says "OMG you slut! How many is a ... | 0 |
58 |
1 |
5.00 |
8/20/2010 2:40 am |
|
|
Life is tough. Even more so if you are stupid.
ONE Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu
that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets . I asked for a half dozen nuggets. 'We don't ... | 3 |
102 |
13 |
5.32 |
8/19/2010 2:04 am |
|
|
pockets full of golf Balls
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full
of golf Balls And sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blond.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his ... | 1 |
107 |
8 |
3.25 |
8/18/2010 2:00 am |
|
|
no storm can last forever
In all of nature, no storm can last forever.
A Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart are debating on who is the greatest
of the three of them.
The Cow: I give ... | 0 |
60 |
2 |
2.42 |
8/17/2010 5:29 pm |
|
|
Remedies:
THESE REALLY WORK!! AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:
1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING
SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
2. AVOID ... | 0 |
29 |
2 |
3.81 |
8/17/2010 5:11 pm |
|
|
A Real Man
A real man is a woman's best friend. He will never stand her up and never let her down. He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day. He will inspire her to do things ... | 2 |
69 |
10 |
1.79 |
8/17/2010 2:09 am |
|
|
HOW TO DRIVE YOUR WIFE CRAZY
HOW TO DRIVE YOUR WIFE CRAZY
Start asking her questions (don't mistakenly do anything)
about cooking, cleaning, and laundry. Say, "I think
it's time I learn to take care of myself. You know, ... | 2 |
98 |
8 |
2.09 |
8/15/2010 5:18 am |
|
|
Do it yourself
A bishop, who was a keen DIY man, was watching a carpenter
at work in the house and trying to pick up the odd tip.
But the young carpenter found it a little off-putting and
shortly hit his ... | 0 |
65 |
3 |
2.45 |
8/15/2010 4:57 am |
|
|
How would you die
WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE
Guy: If i saw u naked I'd die happy..
... | 1 |
49 |
3 |
2.45 |
8/15/2010 4:54 am |
|
|
Trip
MARS TRIP
NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars.
Only one could go and couldnt return to Earth.
The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he
wanted to ... | 0 |
38 |
0 |
0.00 |
8/15/2010 4:49 am |
|
|
New
NEW DRUGS FOR MEN
With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of DRUGs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society.
DIRECTRA - A dose of ... | 0 |
34 |
0 |
0.00 |
8/15/2010 4:44 am |
|
|
SLIP THROUGH
A man was sitting at a bar, morosely staring at his untouched
beer. The bartender walked over with a sigh, and asked "What's
the problem, pal?"
"My brother just told me that there's a sperm ... | 0 |
79 |
1 |
5.00 |
8/12/2010 2:57 am |
|
|
NEED A NEW LAWYER
Warning Signs that you Might Need a Different Lawyer
Your lawyer tells you that his last good case was of Budweiser.
When the prosecutors see your lawyer, they high-five each
other. ... | 0 |
37 |
1 |
2.40 |
8/12/2010 2:54 am |
|
|
Traveling
TRAVELING ON THE TRAIN
There was an Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer
sitting together in a carriage in a train going through
Tasmania. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel ... | 0 |
41 |
1 |
3.70 |
8/12/2010 2:52 am |
|
|
GOT HERE IN TWO
A golfer set up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing
and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and
saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit
through. ...
| 0 |
53 |
2 |
1.73 |
8/12/2010 2:50 am |
|
|
GOT ANY GRAPES?
A ducks walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar
doesn't serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.
The next day, ... | 1 |
107 |
3 |
2.45 |
8/10/2010 3:08 am |
|
|
JUST THE FACTS
The following exchange happened last March 5 on the show
"Politically Incorrect, " between Bill Maher,
the host, and lawyer Leslie Abramson, who defended the
Menendez brothers:
Bill: When do ... | 0 |
56 |
0 |
0.00 |
8/10/2010 3:04 am |
|
|
New Panties
A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an
attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on,
together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite
her husband. At ... | 0 |
115 |
1 |
5.00 |
8/10/2010 2:40 am |
|
|
Jewish Divorce...
A Jewish woman says to her mother, "I'm divorcing
mark ! All he wants is sex, and my vagina is now the size of
a 50 cent piece when it used to be about the size of a nickel."
Her mother says, "You're ... | 0 |
113 |
7 |
4.06 |
8/9/2010 4:47 pm |
|
|
MONKEY IN BAR
MONKEY IN BAR
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer.
He sips it and sets it down a monkey swings across the bar
and pisses in the pint.
The man asks the barman who owns ... | 0 |
90 |
3 |
0.98 |
8/9/2010 3:10 am |
|
|
Having had one too many
Having had one too many, a bar drinker was beginning to display
an ugly side.
An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered
to her, "Hey ! How about it babe ? You and me ?" ... | 0 |
85 |
2 |
3.81 |
8/9/2010 3:06 am |
|
|
Do you still get horny?
WHO DRIVES YOU?
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing
nothing.
One old lady turns to the other and asks, "Do you still
get horny?"
The other replies, "Oh ... | 0 |
95 |
0 |
0.00 |
8/9/2010 3:05 am |
|
|
MAN-EATING TIGER
Murphy and Paddy were in their local pub having a pint or
two.
Murphy is looking very puzzled.
"What's up?" asks Paddy.
"Well I was just wondering if you had ever seen a ... | 0 |
62 |
1 |
1.10 |
8/9/2010 3:02 am |
|
|
John Wayne
JOHN WAYNE
An Indian (Native American) walks into a trading post and
asks for toilet paper.
The clerk asks if he would like no name (generic), Charmin,
or White Cloud.
... | 0 |
79 |
1 |
5.00 |
8/9/2010 2:59 am |
